Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
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I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
…żyje?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
normalize having existential bread
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti