If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
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waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.