Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.