I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
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INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I only treason on days ending in y
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway