[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
You Might Also Like
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk