[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND