Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
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I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage