[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”