An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
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Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.