Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Many hands make light work
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving