As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*