thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
*Inspirational Tweets*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets