Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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based al yankovic
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My Guy
At least try to make it slightly believable
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.