Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
KFC hitting the cannibal market