I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Isn’t
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”