Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.