Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
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Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
pls suprot
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[eats all your cotton candy]
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying