Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.