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I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.