Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
SCARY COSTUME
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.