Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
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[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before