A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
These are too funny not to post 😂
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.