hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
😜
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying