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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.