[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
You Might Also Like
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent