ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
You Might Also Like
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
#Caturday