Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Trumpy Cat
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.