[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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Sex so good you see dead people.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]