Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.