Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
You Might Also Like
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I think about this a lot
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Birds & Planes.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
when revenge coincides with naptime
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit