starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
You Might Also Like
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I’m dying louder than usual today.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Oh hi lol
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.