walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Whoa 😂
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.