The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Please do it!
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.