interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
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*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Never forget.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.