My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp