Body by sandwich.
You Might Also Like
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
getting groceries
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.