the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.