ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
mariah carrie
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.