[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect