Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension