#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
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Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Can’t, holding a grudge
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra