You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
They’re not wrong
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.