She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap