Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Don’t touch that.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?