Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.