I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
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This makes total sense…
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Had an epiphany today.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress