How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
*bites zombie*
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I have no passwords left in me
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.