ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.