My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Perfect
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship