To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You Might Also Like
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves